The first section of our book focuses on the problem. It breaks down difficult conversations into three conversations: The "What Happened", The Feelings Conversation, and The Identity Conversation.
Which of these three conversations do you think is most often forgotten? Do you think it is important to cover all three when addressing a problem?
Three types of conversation during a difficult conversation can include the, “What Happened” conversation, the “Feelings” conversation, and the “Identity” conversation. During the course of a difficult conversation, all three of these conversations seem to inherently happen, however one seems to be at the center of it all. This conversation I believe to be the feelings conversation. In order for a difficult conversation to begin, both parties need to feel passionate about the issue in order to feel that it is necessary to hold a challenging or confronting conversation or argument. As our book, Difficult Conversations, states, “Feelings are not some noisy byproduct of engaging in difficult talk, they are an integral part of the conflict,” (Stone, Patton, & Heen, 2010, p. 13). Even though our feelings are in the center of the argument, I believe this is the conversation that we rarely have during an argument or conversation. Talking about our feelings, and how a certain situation makes us feel can cause us to feel vulnerable, which is a feeling that is uncomfortable for most people. As the book states on page 14, in the short term not talking about our feelings reduces our anxiety during the confrontation, and is not as risky. However, if we do not address our feelings within the conversation, nothing is resolved and we continue to hold this resentment until the core feelings are discussed and resolved.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I can relate to these types of conversations, especially the feelings conversation, as I know when I have difficult conversations with my family or my husband, I do not have a sense of relief until I feel like my feelings are addressed and understood, but I am always hesitant and never like to bring them up in the conversation. I also can picture many difficult conversations had within the classroom between students, and the first thing they want to tell you is what happened and what should have happened instead, but rarely say to the other why they are upset because of how it made them feel. Feeling vulnerable expresses our sensitive and raw emotions, which are usually at the center of our difficult conversation since these are what caused us to bring up the issue in the first place. I do believe that in order to resolve any issue or have a successful outcome of a difficult conversation, there needs to be all three parts of the conversation clearly addressed. Typically, the what happened conversation takes place in the beginning of the conversation, to introduce what happened and what we think needed to happen instead. Therefore, the next two conversations need to take place so we come to an agreement and both parties feel as if they have been heard. When all three conversations take place, everyone involved in the conversation will feel a sense of relief as their anxieties are reduced and we feel secure. The way in which we talk to others has an impact on how these conversations take place as we see within our book the way in which Jack and Michael held their conversation was not successful since there was a gap between what both men were thinking but were not saying to each other, and therefore made the conversation more difficult. Therefore, we need to make sure to reduce the gap between all three conversations so each part can be held together to solve the issue together and move forward.
First of all, I just want to express how much I like this book so far! All of the points made are so incredibly valid; I found myself enjoying the deconstruction of a difficult conversation because we don’t normally think of conversations this way. I find that difficult conversations make many of us uncomfortable since there is so much at stake. The authors state that the “What Happened,” “Feelings” and “Identity” conversations are all at play in difficult conversations and I feel it is crucial to cover all three when addressing a problem, especially since we don’t know what is going on in the other person’s thought process. While this is true, much conflict arises during a difficult conversation because the three conversations are not all accounted for. We learned in the conversation between Jack and Michael that there were many feelings felt, but not expressed. These feelings then manifest themselves internally and pave the way for future anxiety regarding difficult conversations.
ReplyDeleteTherefore, I feel the “Feelings Conversation” is so often forgotten. For some reason, feelings are often seen as big, stormy clouds that loom over us, but no one talks about. We avoid feelings due to fear and vulnerability that we will be judged, hurt, or misunderstood. This is exactly what makes difficult conversations difficult, as evidenced by the authors quote, “difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, they are at their very core about feelings” (p. 13). I think as humans, this is one of the greatest obstacles in life both in understanding our own feelings and then also understanding the feelings of others.
Since I feel the “What Happened” conversation is the quickest to divulge, I feel as though the “Identity” conversation is next in line to forget. Similar to feelings, I think humans are quick to defend themselves and their character. We all crave to be liked by others and when we feel this is threatened, we guard ourselves. We often do more for others than we do for ourselves in hope to preserve our self-image as all good so that we can be seen as the hero. The authors quote on page 15 sums this up by asking, “If you’re no longer the hero, will people see you as the villain?” If your self-image becomes tainted, you lose your “balance,” which can then increase your anxiety and halt the conversation altogether.
After reading this chapter, it seems essential to understand these 3 conversations and address them when appropriate in a conflict. As teachers, we will have many difficult conversations throughout our career, whether it be with our coworkers while collaborating, our principal surrounding an issue with a student, or speaking with parents about their child. I find that in our profession, we have to handle these issues with particular care, especially when involving families because we are speaking of our student, but their most prized possession. It’s so crucial that we involve the parents in the conversation and any decisions that have to be made, as working together can level the playing field and ease difficult conversations. Toward the end of the chapter, this is evidenced when the authors state, “In fact, you may find that you no longer have a message to deliver, but rather some information to share and some questions to ask” (p. 16).
Three types of conversations that are discussed in Difficult conversations are; the “what happened” conversation, the feelings conversation and the identity conversation. I think that each of these conversations is crucial in a conversation. When in a difficult conversation I think the most important conversation is the identity conversation but it’s the most forgotten. This conversation involves us being able to break down and unravel the real problem that occurs within ourselves. I think this is a tough conversation that many people aren’t willing to identify because it involves confronting what they may need to work on as a person. I can relate that this area for me is difficult. When I’m in a difficult conversation I try to stick to what’s right and not worry about the feeling conversation but this can end up building up frustration just as Jack was feeling. The identity conversation could help when you need to build identity. Being truthful up front can build you as a person and can better prepare you for the next difficult conversation.
ReplyDeleteEach of these three conversations are crucial in becoming a person who can better supply a positive outcome at the end of a difficult conversation. The “what happened” conversation is a conversation that personally I go right to when in a challenging conversation. In my head I go over what has been said and what has been done and try to figure out what the next steps or words should be. From my experience I’ve found myself shutting down before I can get to the identity and feelings conversation but I try to figure out. I think my “feelings” conversation can come across as not caring or neglecting the conversation but I feel as though sometimes it’s better for me as a person to pause the conversation go into the identity and “what happened” conversation and then resume then there can be a better out come. But I see through my personal relationships that this can be frustrating and hurtful. I think to build a better understanding of yourself and to be able to have better outcomes with difficult conversations it would be useful to concentrate having each of these conversations when these challenges arise.
Difficult conversations arise in daily life. They may occur almost anywhere and are attempted or avoided every day. It is interesting to look closer at these conversations to discover why they cause so much anxiety. As the authors Stone, Patton and Heen advise, “It’s our fear of the consequences- whether we raise the issue or try to avoid it” which makes these situations so difficult to face (p. xxviii).
ReplyDeleteRegardless of the subject matter, these difficult conversations follow a similar format composed of three subconversations. The first conversation is known as the “What Happened?” conversation. This “conversation” focuses on the disagreement over the facts. It concerns questions such as, “Who said what and who did what? Who’s right, who meant what, and who’s to blame?” (Stone, Patton & Heen, p. 7). Another conversation is known as the Feeling Conversation. Feelings are also always involved in difficult conversations. The participants wonder about their own feelings involved and decide whether to acknowledge or ignore them. The third conversation is known as the “Identity Conversation”. This conversation involves the participant internally relating the conversation back to him or herself. The person may wrestle with questions such as whether he or she is “a good person or bad, worthy of love or unlovable” and the impact it may have on one’s “self-image and self-esteem…future and… wellbeing” (Stone, Patton & Heen, p.8).
I believe that it is easiest to become buried in the “What Happened?” conversation. When these conversations arise in my own life, I can tend to focus so much on the facts of the situation. In this conversation, it is common to become focused on the facts seen through one’s own perspective and lose sight of what is really meant by the conversation. Conversely, I believe the Feelings Conversation is most often forgotten. In difficult conversations with friends, family, coworkers, neighbors or strangers, most people make an effort to stay focused and rational about the conversations (Stone, Patton & Heen, p.13). Diving into deep feelings can become tremendously messy and uncomfortable. Personally, I believe that I too tend to avoid this conversation altogether and focus much more on the “What Happened?” difficult conversation. While many people intentionally avoid the Feelings Conversation, I believe many people may unintentionally forget about the Identity Conversation. This conversation looks inward and requires personal reflection. I believe that while overlooked, this conversation is the most important part of a difficult conversation. It helps to gain a greater, more rounded perspective of situations and can lead to personal growth, comfort and maturity.
It is crucial to learn to operate in each of these three conversations so as we can become more successful overall. Rather than focusing on proving your point, it is important that we can learn to express our feelings and see others’ point of views. Then, we can best reflect on our own role in the conversation and learn to have a more balanced approach in our next difficult conversation that we may encounter.
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ReplyDeleteWhen taking part in a difficult conversation I believe the part that is most forgotten is The Feelings Conversation. Although it may be an easy concept to understand while reading a textbook for a college course or thinking about a hypothetical conversation, it is very different in the heat of the moment. Whether talking to a coworker or a parent, when emotions get involved it can be hard to think rationally. Chapter one talks about the difference between stating your feelings and acting out your feelings. Letting the person, you are dialoging with, know how something made you angry is okay; impulsively yelling because of that anger is not.
ReplyDeleteI do not think that all three of these conversations need to be extensively touched upon, like going down a bullet point list, but I do think all three should be kept in mind. When having a difficult conversation it is important that both sides feel their perspectives has been heard. When two people go through the same thing they can see what happened and be affected in very different ways. Not only should both sides be taken into consideration but the feelings that go along with them should as well. Looking at the situation from both sides will help give both people better sight of the big picture. During the conversation, and after it is over, it is important that both sides are empathetic towards one another and what was shared. It is clear that all three of the conversations weave into one another and should be kept in mind while having difficult conversations.
I feel it is very important for students to understand that these three conversations need to be discussed when addressing problems that come up throughout the school year. The “What Happened” and “Identity Conversation” is another conversation that should be had when trying to figure out problems. If these conversations are not had, then it can create the same issue from happening again in the future.
ReplyDeleteWhen dissecting the different difficult conversations that can be most commonly forgotten, I feel that The “Feelings Conversation” is one that is most frequently forgotten by teachers. I think the reason that this happens is due to the fact that teachers are very overwhelmed with the amount of work they have and the standards they must meet throughout the school year. Because of this, it can be easy for teachers to dismiss discussions about how students may be feeling, so that they can move forward.
By having these three difficult conversations with your students after a problem occurs, it can help the students to learn how to deal with their problems in the correct manner in the future. It is important that we teach our students how to handle uncomfortable and difficult situations, because they are going to have to deal with them at many other points throughout their lives.
The most interesting element of this reading was not only learning about the different types of difficult conversations, but being able to relate to these conversations so easily. The three types of difficult conversations, The "What Happened" Conversation, The "Feelings" Conversation, and The "Identity" Conversation, all have played an important role in our lives in one way or another, and, whether we'd like to admit it or not, those conversations can become fairly difficult for us at times. Although these three conversations can be difficult in any setting that they portray themselves - they are a part of life, and everyone must find a way to work through these conversations. I believe that it is so important to discuss these conversations, and really understand the depth behind why these types of conversations cause so much difficulty and anxiety within all of us.
ReplyDeleteAmong the three different conversations, I personally believe that The "Feelings" Conversation can be one of the most difficult and controversial when in an argument. Emotions are hard for people - it is hard for people to open up and share their inner emotions with others, a sense of vulnerability gives us a sense of anxiety. Emotions can also become very personal, and depending on the context of the argument, it can be inappropriate to express these emotions within a conversation. "Getting too deep into feelings is messy, clouds good judgement, and in some contexts - for example, at work - can seem just plain inappropriate. Bringing up feelings can also be scary or uncomfortable, and can make us feel vulnerable" (Stone, Patton & Heen). People are often afraid of sharing their feelings and having those feelings be dismissed or misunderstood. Feelings can be very fragile and hard to read - people often dismiss their feelings, although, "difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, they are at their very core about feelings" (Stone, Patton & Heen).
I found this reading to be very enlightening. Although I have experienced each conversation discussed in the reading, I never thought about it in such a way that I could understand each aspect of a conversation or argument. It is so easy to get caught up in the "What happened"when having a conversation with someone, and it's easy to address the internal conflict ("Identity" conversation) we sometimes go through when we're having a conversation with someone. That being said, I think the most forgotten of the conversations is the "Feelings" conversation. This conversation not only causes us to think about how the other person involved made us feel, but it also calls for us to address those feelings in a rational manner. This conversation can easily get heated between people because sometimes we take things personally, and we can even feel victimized by the other person's response/reaction. We forget that what we have brought to the conversation can also bring up certain feelings in the other person involved too. It is difficult for people to show their vulnerability and this is exactly what the "feelings" conversation forces people to do. In most cases we try to stay level-headed and keep our feelings separate from what is actually being addressed in a conversation. When trying to hide the "feelings", we don't realize that we are making it more difficult to understand the other elements of a conversation. We need to learn to balance each element of a conversation.
ReplyDeleteI do think that each conversation needs to be addressed, even in the most minimal way when there is a problem. It is important to not only understand what is happening during a conversation, but it's also just as important to understand yourself and why you might be feeling certain things. It is also important to communicate your feelings to a certain extent when communicating with other people. If there is a problem that has upset you, it's important to address why you're feeling a certain way without accusing the other person for making you feel that way. The depth that one goes into each conversation really depends on the situation and the problem at hand. All three conversations should be covered when there is a problem, but ultimately I think the severity of the problem determines how much each conversation should be addressed.
I loved reading these! Awesome responses. This is a book I still find myself thinking back on... I am frequently reassessing conversations. See you Thursday at 5:25 :)
ReplyDeleteAaaand last but not least...
ReplyDeleteThis chapter made me think about my own way of sorting through difficult conversations and how bad I really am at having them. It's always so much easier looking at a confrontation from a detached and neutral perspective than when you yourself are engaged in one. When confronted with a problem, especially when being challenged by someone else, people often become defensive, upset, or both. I've more or less tried to avoid difficult, uncomfortable conversations for my entire life, unless I either see immediate personal value in having them, or I have no other options but to engage in them. There's no need to cause unnecessary ripples otherwise.
But, I digress. Unpacking the chapter, I would have to say that the most overlooked conversation related to the problem would be "The Feelings". I think it is very common for people to not evaluate emotion as a component of a conversation, but rather a byproduct. After all, if person A says something rude to person B, person B would feel or react a certain way - most likely, negatively. And in even more cases, people tend to think that their feelings are justified and are warranted within the moment. It is only afterwards that we are most likely to look back and reflect on how a conversation made us feel, or what emotions were surrounding said conversation before, during, and after it took place. Compounded by the fact that often times difficult conversations can lead to internalizing annoyances or anger, during these times it is extremely hard to think about how the other person is feeling. However, internalizing true feelings can sometimes lead to further misunderstanding and discord. There needs to exist a happy(relatively speaking) medium of feelings that are incorporated into difficult conversations.
All three conversations should at least be addressed when a problem arises, but it depends entirely on the situation. Obviously, some problems are more dramatic than others, meaning that our feelings would then mirror the intensity of a situation, which then affects the way that we process the information. All three conversations are connected - they just vary in weight depending on the situation.
Hey guys! In class we talked about posting things we found interesting or funny and whatnot. I just shared this in clinical reading too, but I found this great read aloud to promote inquiry based learning on Pinterest and if you scroll down to the bottom, you’ll see an ADORABLY cute video of a boy named Cain who created an arcade out of cardboard! As a real entrepreneur would, he created tickets, passes, tokens, prizes, and every game he could think of. He creatively constructed the whole arcade and anxiously awaited customers. Little by little he gained clientele and the whole neighborhood planned a neighborhood party at his arcade! I was smiling the whole way through. Talk about learning through perseverance, creativity, and inquiry!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.createdreamexplore.com/2014/08/a-great-read-aloud-for-inquiry-based.html?m=1